It's New? It's Old? Whatever, I'm still me

The mind is not working properly today - you'll soon find out why. I arrived at the office this morning with determination to finish my work, but was greated with a painful stomach and heavy eyelids as I recall vividly the store ran out of coffee where I had breakfast. My day is doomed. After a couple of yawns and wiping away sleepy tears, I picked up some change and walked downstairs to get some coffee - diluted, but I had no other choice.

Attempts to resume working turned futile, shortly after lunch hour I got the most discouraging words one could ever receive. FYI I've resigned and I could've left officially the day I tendered my resignation letter (which was on the 9th June 2009). With piles and piles of work in hand, I decided that it was only fair to complete them before it gets thrown to ONE colleague who would've probably been drowned by the piles. Unfortunately that is not the way people see it. Why could I have left the day I tendered? Because the benefit of not being confirmed despite working for NINE months, is resignation only requires 7 (SEVEN) working days notice. Collecting annual leaves ultimately means that I could leave earlier, the math was just right; I had SEVEN days of leave left.

Suddenly my "kindness" was transformed miraculously just like the popular childhood cartoon cum popular action movie, it was morphed into an obligation. Now I MUST finish my work before I go. Do not get mistaken here, I am doing my work now as a responsible person – not because I am or was in fear that by not doing so, my reputation will get tainted. Also not to be mistaken, that I am one that looks so heavily on money – because I’m not, I do not let money nor people control me.

I may be broke and in need of money, but I will not force myself to succumb to “torture” of any kind. Tainting my reputation will not work, it’s not like I have any, but with a DEGREE in Software Engineering, I can easily go back to what I used to do and get DOUBLE the salary. Easily. I did not work so hard for YEARS - despite detesting the idea of paying others to make me suffer - for nothing.

Anyway my mind is incoherent at the moment. It can’t think straight. After managing to cool down, that was all it could do. I’m probably not even making sense here; neither does it in chat conversation with friends. I just hope to return home to serenity and close both my eyes to the on-going renovation and the idea that I still don’t have a proper toilet to use.

Posted by Huei at 5:40 PM | 1 comments  

Labels: Misery, Tulan

Long before this for a long period of time, my ambition was to open my own petshop so I can be with animals every day and night – without realizing what I will have to put myself into if I HAD opened one. Not long ago I realize how difficult it was to let go of your puppies; it was only three, but it was already eating me alive inside. My heart was shattered.

Before letting them go, I gave each of them a big hard hug while avoiding their eyes. I couldn’t bear to look into their world of innocence, not knowing what their future behold. I hate myself for thinking too much. Will they be loved? Will they be fed? Will they get abandoned when they grow up because they’re not “cute” and fluffy anymore?

I’ve decided to change my ambition, but no idea what to do. My future now looks like… a big black hole.

Posted by Huei at 10:24 AM | 1 comments  

Labels: Misery

Posted by Huei at 7:08 PM | 1 comments  

Labels: Misery, Randomness

"Why won't you help me?"

"Because nobody's obligated to", I find myself replying my own question. The disgruntled hatred subsided. I sigh out a relief.

It’s a tough world out there trying to survive on your own; making your own living and planning for the future is definitely not an easy task, and then shit happens to make it worst. Friends come and go, there are those who stay and help in time of needs, but most of the time, they're only those who try to get your attention – if he fails, you can kiss that friendship goodbye. I wouldn’t classify those as friends anyway, just people who choose to entertain you for their own benefits.

I find myself coping with problems a little better now. It’s because of my believes. I believe in

“You get the best, and then what?”

And

“Once you’ve had the worst, the bad is not so bad afterall”

Posted by Huei at 12:40 PM | 0 comments  

Labels: Randomness, Thoughts

Normally I would only update this blog when I'm inspired to write, lately, I'm all out of that. I have this urge, the urge to shop, the urge of holding something new in my hands and get excited for the next three days before throwing it aside together with the rest of my abandoned things. I'm such a spoilt brat.

My laptop has officially died on me, the second time in eight months. This is not a good sign, but I'm glad enough it worked one last time for me to save out all my data before completely dying. Now I'm contemplating between getting a new desktop + netbook or opening up my new notebook and using that. The latter is so tempting, but I'm afraid I might spoil it as well, knowing my very bad habits.

I crave to shop at Ikea too, get some furniture to make my home neater, it's a complete mess now, I need more storage. I need a corner for magazines, and another for toys, a cabinet for alcohol, and a shelf for junks. I'm so unorganized, I want to change that, or am I looking for excuses to shop?

Stop me, this has got to stop. Now I'm having cravings for food. I want to eat something, and yet I have no idea what I want to eat. Oh god! Monday blues!

Posted by Huei at 2:32 PM | 0 comments  

Labels: Randomness

I know, I shouldn't be complaining, he's a great man, but sometimes I wish he could care just a little bit more when I need him to.

For an entire week I've been trying to get him to do lunch with me, the first time, he didn't see my SMS. The second time, he wasn't free to go out. That was a week ago. As for the rest of the week, I have been sitting and waiting for his call to offer some time to lunch together. No luck.

It has also been a week since I had lunch. Thank god I have what I like to call a "super stomach" that do not really get hungry. OK that's ridiculous. It just doesn't make much of a fuss when it's hungry, just some growling - nothing different from the growls I get even with a full stomach. I'm only eating to stay alive. And actually to lavish on the satisfaction of pleasing a craving, I can’t wait to cook my Sour Cream and Chives at home. If it turns out bad, I’ll just resort to Maggie mee. 

Posted by Huei at 2:55 PM | 0 comments  

Labels: Randomness

From money to work load, people just can't stop calculating. Sometimes I wonder if they were born a calculator, unfortunately, they seem to overlook on other things when making their calculation; it's always based on assumptions. 

Like how they say, "the joke's always funny when it's on someone else", it applies to everything else too. The gamble's always fun when you're winning, once you loose, it's always a game that "sucks". Well guess what? GROW UP! 

I've lost count before, on how many times I've said "just because I don't ACT buzy, it doesn't mean that I'm not." 

Just because I've finished my work early, it doesn't mean I deserve to be given more work. If that's how work is being judged, then I might as well be like everybody else, be slow, so you won't be given more work. Kinda like how I eat, make the food on my plate last, so that people won't notice that I'm not eating and I can get away with it just fine. Right?

Posted by Huei at 10:19 AM | 0 comments  

Labels: Tulan