It's New? It's Old? Whatever, I'm still me

It has been almost 9 years now, and yet it's still as unbearable as it has been on the first day. The fear of loosing you the moment I saw you again, the fear of you disappearing in the blink of an eye; and I almost crashed down in my dreams when you really vanished.

Or are happy memories there to make you miserable knowing that you'll never have that feeling again as long as you shall live?

I hate it when something trigger the tears, not because it hurts so very much to picture you in my head, it's because it's almost impossible to stop; if it wasn't because of exhaustion, I could go on the entire night. I'm almost relieved that crying makes me sleepy, makes me desperate to close my eyes and let the world fade with it - if only it could be permanent.

It's probably clear that I'm still in denial, too scared to face the truth, the truth that you'll never come back to me, the truth that still stings my eyes and creates a lump in my throat whenever it crosses my mind. There's only so much I can do in not thinking, how can I block out these memories when they have been the things I've been living with since I was born? Everywhere I look, I can see things that reminds me of you, everything.....

The ache I felt last night was overwhelming, almost putting a halt to the beating of my heart, my desperation to, but the coward in me can't do so. Despite futile attempts at lying there with eyes wide open and waiting for pain to subside, it never works, it will never work. As long as I breathe, the pain will be there, excruciating as ever, worst than the worst migrain I've ever had...

I see myself in total freedom, free from strings that were previously tied to every cell in my body.

I see myself in a beach, surrounded by serenity, with a good book in hand and the sun bringing colours onto my body.

I see myself home, with my pets (my family), enjoying life together, with nothing to worry about.

I see a peaceful world, where animals and humans live in peace and animal cruelty are only fictional stories we see in horror films.

Will they remain only as dreams? Because in reality, I see nothing but a white patch of smoke in my future...

The mind is not working properly today - you'll soon find out why. I arrived at the office this morning with determination to finish my work, but was greated with a painful stomach and heavy eyelids as I recall vividly the store ran out of coffee where I had breakfast. My day is doomed. After a couple of yawns and wiping away sleepy tears, I picked up some change and walked downstairs to get some coffee - diluted, but I had no other choice.

Attempts to resume working turned futile, shortly after lunch hour I got the most discouraging words one could ever receive. FYI I've resigned and I could've left officially the day I tendered my resignation letter (which was on the 9th June 2009). With piles and piles of work in hand, I decided that it was only fair to complete them before it gets thrown to ONE colleague who would've probably been drowned by the piles. Unfortunately that is not the way people see it. Why could I have left the day I tendered? Because the benefit of not being confirmed despite working for NINE months, is resignation only requires 7 (SEVEN) working days notice. Collecting annual leaves ultimately means that I could leave earlier, the math was just right; I had SEVEN days of leave left.

Suddenly my "kindness" was transformed miraculously just like the popular childhood cartoon cum popular action movie, it was morphed into an obligation. Now I MUST finish my work before I go. Do not get mistaken here, I am doing my work now as a responsible person – not because I am or was in fear that by not doing so, my reputation will get tainted. Also not to be mistaken, that I am one that looks so heavily on money – because I’m not, I do not let money nor people control me.

I may be broke and in need of money, but I will not force myself to succumb to “torture” of any kind. Tainting my reputation will not work, it’s not like I have any, but with a DEGREE in Software Engineering, I can easily go back to what I used to do and get DOUBLE the salary. Easily. I did not work so hard for YEARS - despite detesting the idea of paying others to make me suffer - for nothing.

Anyway my mind is incoherent at the moment. It can’t think straight. After managing to cool down, that was all it could do. I’m probably not even making sense here; neither does it in chat conversation with friends. I just hope to return home to serenity and close both my eyes to the on-going renovation and the idea that I still don’t have a proper toilet to use.

Long before this for a long period of time, my ambition was to open my own petshop so I can be with animals every day and night – without realizing what I will have to put myself into if I HAD opened one. Not long ago I realize how difficult it was to let go of your puppies; it was only three, but it was already eating me alive inside. My heart was shattered.

Before letting them go, I gave each of them a big hard hug while avoiding their eyes. I couldn’t bear to look into their world of innocence, not knowing what their future behold. I hate myself for thinking too much. Will they be loved? Will they be fed? Will they get abandoned when they grow up because they’re not “cute” and fluffy anymore?

I’ve decided to change my ambition, but no idea what to do. My future now looks like… a big black hole.

"Why won't you help me?"

"Because nobody's obligated to", I find myself replying my own question. The disgruntled hatred subsided. I sigh out a relief.

It’s a tough world out there trying to survive on your own; making your own living and planning for the future is definitely not an easy task, and then shit happens to make it worst. Friends come and go, there are those who stay and help in time of needs, but most of the time, they're only those who try to get your attention – if he fails, you can kiss that friendship goodbye. I wouldn’t classify those as friends anyway, just people who choose to entertain you for their own benefits.

I find myself coping with problems a little better now. It’s because of my believes. I believe in

“You get the best, and then what?”

And

“Once you’ve had the worst, the bad is not so bad afterall”